Rejection Inspection Reflection

Something something something erection.

I am terrified of rejection.

How I picture what will happen when I ask anyone for anything:

And I’ve been thinking about that a lot and talking about it a lot lately. And it’s confused some people when I bring it up because the natural response people that know me have is “…Aren’t you an actor?”

The insinuation being, well don’t you get rejected all the time?

And TECHNICALLY you are in fact correct.

I am in a constant state of putting myself out there via auditions to TECHNICALLY get rejected all the time - in the way of NOT getting the job I auditioned for.

But here’s the thing,

The EXPERIENCE of rejection that I want to talk about has to do with two different things; Definitiveness and Risk

These are the things that fucking obliterate my body with terror and the things I wanna talk about today.

Let’s agree on some definitions (that I made up).

Definitiveness

• There is literally no doubt that you have been rejected, it’s done, it’s over, there’s no coming back from it, nothing you can do to change their minds, you DO NOT HAVE ANY CHOICE BUT TO MOVE ON YOU SAD PATHETIC SON OF A BITCH. (Sorry I might have let in some inner dialogue into my definition).

Risk

• The amount of precedence there is before you even start your process or make your ask before you find out if you get rejected or not. Like, have you done something like this before? Has the person you’re making an ask from made ANY indication that they might say yes? Is there ANY EVIDENCE either based in your life experience, your talent, your know how OR based in the world, people have told you you should do it, people have asked for this, there’s a group of people that need what you wanna do, to indicate you will be successful?

• If there’s NOT indication, if there’s NOT evidence, then there is HIGH RISK and when you get rejected you become an idiot because why did you even think you had any chance at being successful you stupid little baby bitch boy who is clueless about how the world works plus youre also selfish and have no self awareness and everyone knows what you are like but you…

It’s like so weird that Mister Merriam Webster won’t take my calls.

AND SO based on those definitions - when I look at auditions:

Definitiveness - Most of the time, I NEVER hear back about my auditions. They go into the ether and sure I’m left to wonder what happened, what I might have done wrong, IF the casting office hates me and thinks I’m stupid, BUT I don’t KNOW.

There is room for the plausible deniability and of course all self deprecating humor aside, the likelihood that me not getting cast had nothing to do with my talent at all. There are so many possible factors outside of myself that I will just never know about and so that feeling of Definitive Rejection, isn’t there!

Most of the time, there’s not even a timeline that I’m aware of when I SHOULD have heard back from casting to even know THAT I got rejected if I was! So often, auditions slip my mind until I see who they chose on instagram ads.

Risk - I get asked to audition 😬

There’s the precedence of booking roles before in my life and the fact that I honestly don’t even audition anymore unless I’m requested to by a casting director or an agent means I don’t feel any real risk in doing so. They asked me to!

AAAAALLLLLL of this is to say, that I really don’t face Capital R Rejection much at all….

And right now I am really seeing how this fear is holding me back.

I can even see it in my experience when I taught a Solo Show Workshop at Penn State a few months ago; you can ready what I wrote about that experience here:

Dude, Why am I a Pigeon?; Solo Shows, Teaching, & Ethics of Care

I’ve been sitting on a short film script for a little over a year. The script is based on an idea that I really liked that I got back in 2023, and I only finished writing the script in 2025 because I had mentioned it to a friend and she asked me to do a reading of it at the variety show she runs…

I know it’s not a perfect script but everyone I’ve shared it with has laughed, enjoyed it, and a lot of people have told me it made them feel seen and that they really want to see it get made.

I REALLY WANT TO SEE IT GET MADE TOO.

Making a short film would give me quality acting footage I desperately need, provide me networking and publicity opportunities, not to mention be creatively fulfilling for me!

And I’ve sat and watched so many of my friends and past collaborators sprint MILES ahead of me in their careers because they just went for it regardless of if they had ever made something before and regardless of if anyone asked them!

And when I watch them do it, I sit there with my little grubby flexing fingers like Smegal going “I wanted to do that too!!”

But…

I don’t know, dog.

There are soooooo many asks I would have to make for collaborators, for funding, all thing I would need to self motivate in order to get done because there’s no EXTERNAL ask.

There’s no deadline, there’s no people counting on me. It would just be me making a decision to commit to something and trusting myself that it would be good “enough” to exist in the world. And so I run the HIGH Risk of feeling like a fool if it doesn’t go well, whatever “well” even means.

Being Self-Motivated means being Self-Responsible. And that requires not only Self-Trust, but also Self-Compassion for if I do get Rejected.

And part of the problem is that I don’t trust myself to be Self-Compassionate later (I draw your attention back to my definitions of Definitiveness & Risk).

I feel like I got out of practice with putting myself out there.

I used to do STAND UP. Meaning I used to do horrriffffic open mics where I was literally the only girl person in a sea of unfunny but also un-laughing men multiple times a week.

I would subject myself to discomfort ALL THE TIME because I just knew deep down that it was good for me. And it was!

By doing open mics, I got put on stand up shows, I met awesome people and started producing my own show that was WILDLY successful.

And then… I don’t know.

The pandemic hit. I got out of practice. I even developed stage fright I’d never experienced. And my Rejection muscle atrophied. And avoiding the thing just intensifies the fear of the thing.

In my personal life, there are a few people recently that have made me really confused and I really want to ask them how they feel about me. There are people I want to talk to at bars, I know how fun flirting can be and miss the days in which I was bold and flirtatious. I loved that version of myself and felt proud of that version of myself.

But I am so gut punchingly scared that I cannot bear the possible consequences of bringing that hot rad version of myself out into the real world again.

So I’m currently living in constant confusion about people that I’m drawn to and want more from because the thought of asking for more or even asking for clarity makes me think that even having those conversations will bring around the Definitive end to any possible reality in which I get what I want, a possible reality in which I feel like a bold sexy badass that DESERVES good things. And Definitive Rejection means Definitively that I’m not and I don’t.

And I don’t know if

I can be nice to myself through that.

By avoiding Definitive & Risky Rejection, I get to maintain plausible deniability and therefore get to maintain an illusion of control.

I get to pretend like if I just do or don’t do some little specific thing then maybe my surroundings will change before I actually ever have to risk anything or be vulnerable. I can just wait it out until someone makes an ask of ME or puts themselves on the line. And I can get all of that if I just… never ask.

Brene Brown would say that’s no way to live.

AND YEAH SHE’D BE RIGHT BUT FUUUUUUCK

She’d be right because I am constantly Capital R Rejecting myself before anyone else has a chance to because I’m not even showing up at all. Because if you don’t know for SURE that you could succeed, that means that there IS a chance you COULD SUCCEED.

And when I don’t ask, when I don’t write, when I don’t show up, when I don’t make the film, when I don’t talk to the hot person at the bar, I am in control yes but in control of making DEFINITIVELY SURE I DO NOT SUCCEED.

I am the one Definitively Rejecting more love in my life, Definitively Rejecting more leveled up professional and creative opportunities, Definitively Rejecting my own self esteem because I’ve taken myself out of the equation.

Will discussing this here cause me to be braver in my relationships or get me to finish my aforementioned short film??

BRO I DON’T KNOWWWWWWW

I’ve also been learning more about Optimization OCD and that might be at play here too so I think I gotta try some literally Exposure Therapy with rejection and see how I fare, I think I gotta work up to the big boy rejections.

I know people do “Rejection Challenges” all the time online for conquering their Fear of Rejection, idk where to find them tho so if YOU know please let me know.

Comment below if you guys would do a Rejection Challenge with me.

Sorry there’s no “And then I changed my life about it” for yall here.

I’m still totally in the middle of feeling it and being scared but that’s just process right? And showing the middle of the process and not just the ending can be helpful right? RIGHT?

---

Small Wins/Big Wins

I’m in a Short Film that is showing this Sunday!

Two years ago my friend Danny Shaw texted me, “I have a role that’s perfect for you; she’s the most annoying person I’ve ever met.” And now you can see that film!! July 12, 3pm at Grove 34

AND I’m in a Feature Film that was mentioned in Variety? That was crazy?

I have no idea when it’s coming out but when I do I will let yall know!!

A Reading of a New Play!

I had SO much fun being a part of the reading of Kelsey Puttrich’s new play Someone Should Start. It was produced by my lovely friend Josh’s company The Reiter Group and the entire reading was a great success with so many funny and talented folks.

---

If you are interested in making a Solo Show, DM me on instagram @magnadoodler and we’ll set up a free chat about how I might be able to help!

---

Stuff to Check Out

Advice From the Field:

From my family friend and supporter of this Substack Kathy;

“Solitude should not be considered loneliness.”

- Kathy Estes

She had described how much she loved sitting outside on her porch by herself and watching fireflies to someone who then responded that that sounded lonely. But I completely agree with this! Some of the most magical moments I’ve ever experienced have been when I’m able to be by myself, pausing, being present, and taking in my surroundings. Love this.

Therapy Practice

The Expansive Group - You may have seen this practice on instagram (I repost their stuff a lot because they make such valuable content!!) The Expansive Groups is a leading provider of queer-centered, anti-oppressive, and culturally responsive therapy and coaching for gender, sexuality, and relationships. If you’re not in the market for therapy right now, I highly recommend following them on insta!

Substack

Kathryn Figures it Out - I have been loving Kathryn’s Substack! She writes about figuring out life the long way: bad relationships, weird jobs, identity crises, personal wins, and learning she was actually good enough the whole time.

Series

Footnotes of NYC - They’re terrible tour guides but they care!

Show

The Late Show - Original poems, accompanied by scenic improvisations from creative people we admire. July 15th, 9pm at The Rat NYC

---

What I’m Loving

How to build a village in your zip code

This eyeshadow that I wore all of Pride

This post is not sponsored (damn wouldn’t THAT be swell) but this is legitimately the eyeshadow I wore every time I left my house in June.

Resting Witch Face Multi-Chrome from bella beauté bar

Like just look at it. Are you kidding me.

The Butter Matcha, YES BUTTER, from Tipsy Village Cafe

ALSO NOT SPONSORED but I had this on my birthday last week and it was one of the most delicious things I’ve ever tasted.

Thanks so much for reading, you sweet beautiful little sweet sweeties!!!

Love, Maggie 💜